Broken Hearted

I feel myself resorting to isolation. I let the phone ring. I leave emails and texts unanswered. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to be around them.

More specifically, I don’t want to be around the people that know me really well. I don’t want to talk to the people that are care and … well, when I think about it, that doesn’t make any sense. They do care. YOU care. I know you do. I just don’t have it in me right now because I feel like a terrible friend, a terrible ate.

My heart is broken into a million pieces and everyday I wake up just praying that I’ll it through the day without crying. The days are long and the nights are longer. Restless and broken, my sleep does not renew me… if I sleep at all. I’m too focused on myself right now and it feels selfish, but I don’t know what else I can do because I’m not okay. I try to be okay. I go through the day to day routine, but it requires so much more effort than it used to take.

Work frustrates me more. Little things bother me more. I’ve spent the last week back in my apartment and I hardly talk to my roommates. I feel like I can’t get by and that too much is required of me. I don’t know how I’m going to accomplish all that I’ve set out to do. My hours are constantly being cut and my anxiety level is pushing the ceiling. I feel like I’m back in my senior year of college again, dealing with job hunts, stressing about money, worrying about friendships, hurting for myself and my family and *wanting* to hurt myself. I don’t want to eat anymore. I don’t want to be here half the time (here in this city, not like… in the world).

I train and things are better. I focus on the strokes and strides; the motion pushes me forward and requires my attention. Motion. Movement. Breathe. Continue. The pedal strokes propel me forward. The strides move me around the track and the sweat releases the tension. The water envelopes me within its calming spirit and I know no pain.

I don’t know how to be content right now. I don’t know how to *be* the friend I was or the friend I *am*… I don’t know how to be as good to you and you’ve been to me because I’m just sad. All the time, I’m sad. I’m sorry.

<3

~ by Sisters By <3 on July 7, 2008.