we have a choice

The thoughts count…the thoughts are the source of it all.  Even though I’ve grown more comfortable with eating whatever I please the voice inside my head that fills me with guilt every single time I indulge is still there.  It’s a hard one to erase and it’s a hard one to ignore.  That voice screams every time my cousin and I dig in to a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and every time my clothes don’t fit right.  Those thoughts count.  I don’t know how to make them go away and it drives me crazy that I can’t just do what I want.  The behaviors stopped…skipping meals, chugging water to suppress cravings, rationing food…but that doesn’t mean those thoughts still don’t go racing through my mind. They do. All the time. That’s how I knew I had a problem.  I hope that you are starting to realize that you do to.  I love you and I hate to see you get so frustrated when you don’t need to be. I hope one day you realize that all those thoughts are wrong.  You are wonderful and you are beautiful.

There is a beautiful picture that hangs in my room that serves as a constant reminder that “it is up to me to choose what kind of life I need”.  Everyday I have a choice – I have a choice to not let those thoughts get the best of me…and so do you.  Stop letting them win.

Every day I have a choice – I have a choice to try…to try to move on, to try and heal and to try and piece my life back together.  I must admit that I just don’t know…I don’t know how to move on, how to make this pain go away or how my life could ever go back to being normal.  I know that I am not okay.  I am struggling more than I ever have in my life and more than I could ever tell you in words.  Losing my dad unleashed so many demons.  Years of anger and sadness have come back to haunt me and it is too much for me to bear.  My cousins nicknamed me “Tin Man”.  I cannot count the number of times I’ve been called heartless.  I’ve mastered how to ignore any emotion but happiness…but I can’t do it anymore.  I’m overwhelmed every single day with the anger from the past and the sadness of the present.  But it is the regret that eats away at me more than anything.  It is something that I will have to carry with me for the rest of my life and I do not know where to begin to make peace with the decisions that I made.

I am a mess…an absolute mess.  I’ve always been a fighter…I’ve always managed to find my own way.  But I am at a point in my life where I just don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to continue to live my life in this horrible state of mind.  So I’ve been getting help.  Please don’t ask me questions… I am not ready to talk about it.  But I hope that by knowing that I am working toward improving my life, you will be inspired to make changes in yours too.  I am choosing to be happy.  I want to see you happy and I want you to choose to be happy too.  Mahal Kita… SO MUCH.

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Do I expect to change, the past I hold inside
with all the words I say repeating over in my mind?
Some things you can’t erase, no matter how hard you try.
An exit to escape is all there is left to find.

~ by Sisters By <3 on February 5, 2009.