Diagnosis… When did THAT happen?
It’s going to sound really stupid, but, I always believed that my eating disordered issues were just that. I threw up, but, it was fine really. It’s not like I was bulimic. I stressed out, freaked out, whatever… but, who doesn’t? It wasn’t a disease.
There were and are times when I know that I’m lying to myself, but for the most part I truly believed that. It’s not like a doctor actually diagnosed me with anything.
So, imagine my shock and surprise when I logged on to my health insurance page to find my member number. There, under “ongoing health conditions” it says Anxiety and Bulimia Nervosa. Oh God. Oh God oh God oh God oh God….
Rationally, I know that it doesn’t matter what it says. It does not change my experiences over the last however many years. Nothing is new or different because of what my doctor(s) wrote down. And yet, it makes it so much more real. It makes it a lot harder to lie to myself. It was one thing when my friends said something or when I thought something. They and I… we’re not professionals. Our opinions are just opinions. Nothing more. This, this is an expert opinion.
It does not help that I’ve gained weight and have had myself on a pretty strict low-calorie diet for the last week. It does not help that I go to the doctor for the first time in over two years in two days.
No, not at all.
