It’s 12:15am and I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept well in days, but tonight… tonight I *know* what’s plaguing my mind and preventing rest. Tonight, I know what is keeping me awake.

It’s that voice saying, “Really??? Lunch? Why did you do that? Why didn’t you listen to me??”

It’s that same voice that’s saying, “You did so well listening at dinner and then had to go blow it with that .66 lbs of fro yo. FAT.”

The voice is already bothering me about tomorrow, “You’re meeting a friend for breakfast? You know that means you have to eat right? Way to go. You’re ruining everything.”

The voice won’t let me sleep and I don’t know how to tune it out. <3 (Testing a new color)

This year, I’ve said goodbye too many times. I’ve said goodbye to old friendships that are no more. I’ve said goodbye to friends that have started new post-college adventures and moved away. I’ve said goodbye permanently to a few people who deeply impacted my life and I don’t get to say hello again on this earth.

In June, I said goodbye to my grandpa. Every day I miss him. Every day it hurts… 

In August, I said goodbye to a high school friend. He was an amazing young man and left this earth much too soon.

In September, my community said goodbye to two more of our hometown kids. Graduates from the class before and after me.

And now, in March, I’ll say goodbye to my brother’s best friend. I’m still shocked. I’m so sad and I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m so tired of saying goodbye. I don’t want to see my friends at another funeral. I don’t want to sit in the same church that 28 months ago we said goodbye to another friend in. Seven angels from my high school in less that 2.5 years. We’ve buried too many of our own. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through this week. I don’t know how to say goodbye.

When I think my many goodbyes this year, especially those that I was close to, I think of your goodbye and I can’t imagine the pain and hurt you must feel if the pain and hurt I feel is so great. <3

When you’re broken in a million little pieces 
And you’re tryin 
But you cant hold on anymore. 
Every tear falls down for a reason. 
Don’t you stop believing in yourself
When you’re broken.

Broken.

We talk about it all the time. Things are broken… toys, limbs, hearts, cars. If you can name it, it can probably be broken.

At church, we talk of brokenness. There is a need for brokenness. We should embrace being broken that we may be reshaped and transformed. We are the vines and we must be pruned in order to bear fruit.

Broken.

I’m not sure why today was especially difficult or why tonight has my mind “rushing and racing and running in circles.” I feel like my brokenness is seeping into the world where people might see it. I worry that my voice is getting quieter and the negative voice is getting louder. I wonder about why it is that all of these entries are painful, angry, and depressing… why don’t I write when I’m happy? I *am* happy sometimes. There *are* good days and things that make me proud. 

I’m not going to stop believing that one day I’ll win the battle. I’m already making progress in one arena, but unfortunately, I also see the backslide in the other. I’ve pondered over writing the specifics, but I fear divulging too much… I fear triggering myself or others. I fear that I’ll worry you. Sigh. <3

It’s National Eating Disorders Awareness Week this week… and while I likely won’t attend one of the official events, it is ever-present in my mind.

I might be afraid
But it’s my turn to be brave.

It’s also the start of Lent this week and I hope to grow in prayer this Lent and truly begin to LET GO.

I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name, embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk, and live

Lastly, or perhaps not, it’s also my birthday this week. May the next year be better than the last… it certainly has the potential.

It’s a brand new day
The sun is shinning
It’s a brand new day
For the first time
In such a long long time
I know
I’ll be ok

<3

Tonight’s first reading really struck a chord with me…

Job spoke, saying:
Is not man’s life on earth a drudgery?
Are not his days those of hirelings?
He is a slave who longs for the shade,
a hireling who waits for his wages.
So I have been assigned months of misery,
and troubled nights have been allotted to me.
If in bed I say, “When shall I arise?”
then the night drags on;
I am filled with restlessness until the dawn.
My days are swifter than a weaver’s shuttle;
they come to an end without hope.
Remember that my life is like the wind;
I shall not see happiness again.

Job 7:1-4, 6-7

Father spoke about pain and feeling unloved tonight. He told us that God never loves us more than when we’re feeling unloved… God is never more present than when we feel so alone. As is customary for Father to do, he spoke about football. Although, it applies to all sports. If a pattern is broken when you make a play, you can scramble to still make that play work. Great players make great plays regardless of whether or not the pattern went as intended. God is a great player. God uses and redeems the broken patterns  in our life. Never give up on God because He will fulfill His purpose. Wise words from Father tonight… and words that I needed to hear.

Lord, make us worthy
Make us worthy to see Your face
Fill us with Your word, O Lord
and heal us with Your grace. 

<3

You told me to be happy. Choose happy.

I’m so far from happy and I can feel myself driving you away. You’re the best friend I could ever ask for and I’m pushing you away because I’m not happy.

You keep asking me to go out dancing with you… to just go out. I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to go out anywhere. Ever. I don’t want to do anything. Ever. I don’t want to be in public. I don’t want to be social. I avoid situations where I’ll have to talk to people. I avoid situations where I’ll have to see people… where people will see me. The thought of it is terrifying right now. I go to work and then I just want to come home and hide in my bed. I told you on the phone tonight that I have to prepare myself to go out and you didn’t get it and I couldn’t explain it. I could hear your frustration as you got off the phone and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m inexplicably falling apart and you’re witness to it. I’m sorry that I’m falling apart as you’re trying to put the pieces back together. I have to prepare myself these days. I need to know that I’m going to be going out and that I’m going to see people and people are going to see me. I need enough time to fight off the voice in my head telling me to stay home. Don’t go anywhere. You’ll be let down. No one wants you around. You’re in a foul mood, don’t subject anyone to that. I need to prepare myself for the fight. I need to attempt to fend off the voice in the mirror telling me that NOTHING LOOKS GOOD on me.

I don’t want to be seen. I see the numbers on the scale and they’re only going up. I hate it. I hate that every day is a struggle. I hate that my clothes are too small and don’t look good. I hate that I look pregnant and I”m not. I’m so fat and it’s killing me. I hate my body. I hate everything about me. I feel so worthless and unworthy. I feel like I’m never good enough… so I may as well stay home.

I’m applying for a job and I already don’t want it. I told my mom about it and everytime she said something encouraging I came back with all the reasons that it would be terrible. But I’m applying? Because maybe? Maybe I’ll be wrong? Maybe it’s only working for Visitor Services that is sucking the life out of me. Maybe working for the Volunteer Department will be different. I can’t see it though. I see how unhappy I’ll be because I’m so unhappy now. I can’t envision happy. I can’t imagine happy. I don’t remember happy.

And when you can’t remember or imagine what happy is like… then how do you choose it?

I’m so scared. <3

The thoughts count…the thoughts are the source of it all.  Even though I’ve grown more comfortable with eating whatever I please the voice inside my head that fills me with guilt every single time I indulge is still there.  It’s a hard one to erase and it’s a hard one to ignore.  That voice screams every time my cousin and I dig in to a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream and every time my clothes don’t fit right.  Those thoughts count.  I don’t know how to make them go away and it drives me crazy that I can’t just do what I want.  The behaviors stopped…skipping meals, chugging water to suppress cravings, rationing food…but that doesn’t mean those thoughts still don’t go racing through my mind. They do. All the time. That’s how I knew I had a problem.  I hope that you are starting to realize that you do to.  I love you and I hate to see you get so frustrated when you don’t need to be. I hope one day you realize that all those thoughts are wrong.  You are wonderful and you are beautiful.

There is a beautiful picture that hangs in my room that serves as a constant reminder that “it is up to me to choose what kind of life I need”.  Everyday I have a choice – I have a choice to not let those thoughts get the best of me…and so do you.  Stop letting them win.

Every day I have a choice – I have a choice to try…to try to move on, to try and heal and to try and piece my life back together.  I must admit that I just don’t know…I don’t know how to move on, how to make this pain go away or how my life could ever go back to being normal.  I know that I am not okay.  I am struggling more than I ever have in my life and more than I could ever tell you in words.  Losing my dad unleashed so many demons.  Years of anger and sadness have come back to haunt me and it is too much for me to bear.  My cousins nicknamed me “Tin Man”.  I cannot count the number of times I’ve been called heartless.  I’ve mastered how to ignore any emotion but happiness…but I can’t do it anymore.  I’m overwhelmed every single day with the anger from the past and the sadness of the present.  But it is the regret that eats away at me more than anything.  It is something that I will have to carry with me for the rest of my life and I do not know where to begin to make peace with the decisions that I made.

I am a mess…an absolute mess.  I’ve always been a fighter…I’ve always managed to find my own way.  But I am at a point in my life where I just don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to continue to live my life in this horrible state of mind.  So I’ve been getting help.  Please don’t ask me questions… I am not ready to talk about it.  But I hope that by knowing that I am working toward improving my life, you will be inspired to make changes in yours too.  I am choosing to be happy.  I want to see you happy and I want you to choose to be happy too.  Mahal Kita… SO MUCH.

*

Do I expect to change, the past I hold inside
with all the words I say repeating over in my mind?
Some things you can’t erase, no matter how hard you try.
An exit to escape is all there is left to find.

Today marks one year since we started this blog. I’m not entirely sure what I envisioned when this began and I’m not sure what I see in its future, but for now, I’m thankful for this safe place.

I’m thankful that on nights like tonight, when I should have been asleep hours ago, I have somewhere that I can come to write. Somewhere safe, but somewhere that will still hold me accountable for the things I say and the way I feel. That’s the benefit of friends like this one. She keeps me honest and she tells it like it is.

What it is these days isn’t so great. I’d thought that in the last year, in the last two years, I’d made progress. I’ve recently discovered that’s not really the case. My weight might be more consistent and my meals may be more consistent, but apparently the thoughts count. The thoughts that say “not good enough” and “too fat” and “so disgusting” and “I hate myself” and all of those other thoughts… did you know that they count? I didn’t think so… not when I wasn’t rapidly losing weight and avoiding meals. Not when my eject total has decreased from previous months. I thought those things were progress and that I didn’t have a problem.

In all honesty though, I’ve never thought I had a problem. Other people thought I had a problem and I did what I could to appease them and address their concerns. Hence the meals and the non-weight loss, despite my intense desire to lose weight and eat less. 

The ground I’m walking on has a fault line… I don’t know where it is below me though. I don’t know when it’s going to quake.

Dear Sister,

Thanks for being honest. Thank you for not accepting my statements and keeping me honest. Thank you for doing it in a way that I know you are serious, but not in a way that makes me want to run in the other direction and close up completely. Thank you for loving me even though I have all of these issues. Thank you for the fun times. Thank you for the serious times. Thank you for starting this blog adventure with me (even if you don’t like to write and reflect all too often). You are an amazing person and such an inspiration to me. Sometimes (okay, often), I worry about you though. I worry about how you’re doing. I worry about how involved you are and how stressed you seem. I love you, so I worry. Also, I pray… because I know that you don’t and that’s okay. You’ve been hurt and I wish I could make it better. I’ll just keep trying to be the best friend I can be for you. The kind of friend that you are to me… okay? I love you and thank God for bringing you into my life. 

Always,
Me

You’re a true friend
You’re here till the end
You pull me aside
When something ain’t right
Talk with me now and into the night
‘Til it’s alright again
You’re a true friend

<3

Our lives were woven together over time. Time spent laughing, crying, stressing, reassuring, sharing, eating, drinking, watching, playing, praying, hoping, speaking, writing, listening, learning…. loving. 

Everytime we come in contact, I stress out. Freak out. I’m in a funk for hours and I don’t know any way around it. Flip side? I miss you. I miss you more than I’d care to admit and I miss you more than is probably acceptable given your nearly year long relationship with my friend. I don’t miss being with you, I just miss you. I miss being able to talk to you. I miss being able to bounce ideas off of you. I miss so many things and the brief moments of contact or conversation throw me.

I don’t know how to respond to this email. I don’t know how to respond to the niceness.

I’m finally understanding that only time will allow our woven lives to unravel. I don’t think they’ll ever unravel completely… and even if they do, I know that we’ll each carry the creases and marks of the other thread. It won’t be as it once was and I’ll never be the girl I was before you became my friend. 

I think I’m finally okay with that… I think I’m just beginning to realize that I’m *thankful* for the mark you left on my life.

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There’s only us
There’s only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

<3

Somewhere along the way, she forgot what it meant to live. She lost the definition and no dictionary could explain the meaning to her. Her friends and family each had their own interpretations. Authors, poets, priests, and characters attempted to assist her in her struggle for life. Their attempts were not in vain, but their interpretations could not be fully translated. They spoke one language and she another.

She thought she understood at one point. It was a very clear mathematical system. Perfect scores. If she could achieve perfect scores, then she’d truly be living life to the fullest. Perfect scores came on a bell curve. To be in the middle would be disasterous. At school, she needed to be on the end of the curve with the highest numbers. At the store, she needed to be on the end with the smallest numbers. Stay away from the middle of the curve and you’ll be alright. Life was supposed to be extreme and exciting. Resting in the middle couldn’t be tolerated.

Life continued on the bell curve. She abided by the rules as best she could. She worked hard to achieve perfection… to “live life.” As time passed, others began to tell her she needed to live and stop existing. They said that life didn’t revolve around school and perfect grades. They said that it wouldn’t matter in the end. Wait? What? What did that mean? Others told her that she needed to eat and that food was good for her. It was enjoyable. It was nutritious. But to eat, she thought, to eat would move me to the middle of the curve. Not perfect. Living life couldn’t be done without perfection. Life had to be perfect.

All those comments though? They made her think she’d missed the point of living. She’d gotten it wrong. Only now she was lost.

She seeks to live life. Only she doesn’t know where to begin… she doesn’t know how to move away from the life she has lived thus far. <3