More About Less Than Three

I sign my entries with a heart <3; simply less than three.

I’m faith-filled, but struggling. I’m constantly searching for God’s hand in my life, especially as I watch my world crumble around me.

My “sin place,” the places where I find that I struggle the most often surface here in the blog. For several years, I’ve struggled with self-injury. I go through periods of positive coping methods and then I revert back to cutting when I just can’t handle the world anymore… when my problems become too overwhelming. Often, those periods last for a long time. I’m a tornado, sweeping across the landscape of my body, unable to control the damage that I cause.

I’m also a disordered eater. Many of my good friends would tell you I have an eating disorder. My former therapist probably would too given that she specialized in eating disorders and I was referred to her. I hate the label. I fight the definition often, but you’ll notice that many of my entries include that as a tag. There’s a part of me that realizes that it is truth, but that truth is painful. I like to be in the mindset that my behaviors are normal. Every once in awhile, I get slapped in the face with the truth of the matter.

I’m here, writing, trying to figure it all out. I’m trying to make sense of all of the thoughts swirling through my head. I’m trying to believe that I can find healing and that I am enough. I’m trying to find God in all of this.

I’m the “big sister,” but the “little one” has so much to teach me. She reminds me of truth. She helps me to see the disorder and the problems with my logic. She believes in me and loves me for who I am… problems and ugliness and issues and sin and everything else in between. I couldn’t do this without her.